Around 8:30 this evening, I was headed North on Hampton towards 40 from Chippewa. The girls were listening to track 13 on Good Girl Gone Bad (Disturbia) for the umpteenth time, pleasantly stuffed with strawberry marshmallows from their Aunt Emily's house. I thought maybe I should bring the day full circle and drive through Forest Park and honk goodnight to the penguins. That could ice the top of a cake day.
I thought about the cons - how could this possibly make one of my happy clams sad? My thoughts then went to the fact that we have been bouncing from track 13 to track 3 (Please Don't Stop the Music) since 8am this morning and I could just shoot down the highway, leave their jam time undisturbed (ia) and get them home exactly as they were right then. My decision? To stop thinking about it and odds were that I would naturally just drive where I knew I should drive when I got to Hampton and 40.
The decision to not decide was made as I crossed under 44 on Hampton, and from there I started thinking about the roads we took today and I was compelled to retrace my path. 8am out the door and on to Big Bend N to 40 W to I170 N to Olive W to STBX (insert smiley) South on Price to Clayton E to Big Bend to home - inside to grab the double stroller - Big Bend N to Clayton E to Skinker N then into the zoo - parked on the North Entrance - I could continue - I kind of want to, actually. But I will spare you.
It was as I was driving by the Steak N Shake on Hampton at 8:30pm that I recalled looping through their parking lot earlier around 1pm, it was a crap shoot whether or not Ellen was going to cooperate with me during our lunch so I claimed the SNS "too busy to go inside" and headed back onto Hampton, to Manchester - to our Maplewood SNS where our favorite waitress (Wendy) served us a perfectly three way split Chicken Dinner w/ ice waters all around. Simple - perfect - they were happy, they knew exactly where they were.
I want to apologize for that last paragraph - this blog is going to be long. I can tell.
I laugh to myself, now closing my eyes in order to actually say what is so important. My lesson - she (God) is there. So there, actually. If you were outside at all this morning, you probably felt her. If you were at the Zoo, you looked her square in the face left and right. It is of utmost importance to go to the Zoo w/ zero agenda and a timeline based primarily on intuition. If you allow an exuberant amount of patience to ground your Zoo visit, you will see God. You will see the wonder "It is awesome in here" expressions from your kids. You will make eye contact with a giraffe and tell her she is pretty, and mean it. And you will see a zebra....and know his name is Earl.
At one point Ellen said, "One donkey said 'I love you' and that other donkey said, "Who Cares?" Which I thought was pretty d*mn funny.
So as I crouched low to the ground with Ellen and Lucy, willing to sit there for as long as they wanted to, watching the Tigers, something fluttered up and to the left. I had a hat on so I had to cock my head upwards in an uncomfortable angle to see what had caught my attention. That is when I felt God's big fat hello. The colors - the earth, the rock, the birds, the sky, the clouds, the sunshine (the perfect sunshine) the green - I became so sensitive to God in this moment that I just knew something. I wish I could tell you what. From that moment forward, God made all of my decisions.
To even further elaborate (long blog), when retracing my path through Saint Louis, at each turning point - I saw something. I thought one thing, did another. I asked questions aloud and silently and got answers. I saw people - I knew exactly where I was going.
I was talking with a friend tonight about how people reach to God in extreme times of self-defeat or crisis, and sometimes miss the day to day communication with God. I think all too often people have summed God up to "miracles", "mystery", "judgement". But equally important to your daily reality, God is "knowing where you are going", even if simply to the grocery store, even if it is the feeling of confidence and not necessarily exact driving directions. Think of it this way: if God isn't "knowing where you are going" then you are probably going the wrong way.
If you read my blog about losing my sanity at the Zoo, know today my sanity was kept tightly in my pocket. The penguin house was our last stop and it was our last stop for a very greedy reason. (Seriously, Will, please stop buying them things every time you go through there) I zipped out of the Zoo and got to the parking lot where, with her small but mighty hands, Ellen braced herself in the stroller - refusing to get out and crying big tired salty hungry tears. I put Lucy in the car. I unpacked the stroller. I knew there was no room for my words. I stood in front of her as she mimicked the most insane of the asylum and looked at her with a lot of concern, no talking, no grimacing, just compassion.
Knowing my responsibility in the situation, I looked up, over the stroller and started to motion to an imaginary friend. I was playing charades with the sky - playing cards like "one minute" "I think she is hungry" "she needs to sleep" "I don't know what's wrong" "I love her too".
Ellen stops crying.
Ellen: "Who are you doing that to?"
I point up
Ellen: "Who are you doing that to??"
I continue to point and look up - (Oscar, please)
Ellen: "I want to see who you are doing that to."
I take her out of the stroller (Gold medal, please)
I swing her on my hip, hug her tightly and point up to the massive trees in between the Art Museum and the Zoo.
Ellen: "Who is it?"
Me: "Up there -see where the tree tops are moving - way up there?" I continue to point
Ellen: "I don't see her"
Now I feel a breeze starting to tumble down towards us and I get really excited and I say,
"You are about to feel it! It is a tree angel and you can feel her – like - in the wind"
Ellen: "I feel her"
I went on to whisper in her ear, describing what we were going to do when we got home. An afternoon candle light shower, movie on my bed with all the lights out, tie dye a shirt, and then dinner on "South Grand", a girls night. And it all happened. With even a spontaneous stop in Tower Grove Park after dinner...listening to Rhianna the whole time.
The way my house feels right now is blessed - lively, busy - wonderful. I am so thankful. Really thankful.
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