dear family and friends

This blog is written to share on FB, with people I actually know from "real life".

My wordpress blog (frozenspaghetti.wordpress.com) is for professional thoughts and otherwise. Pretty much undetermined, but seperate nonetheless.

One of the hardest parts about being me is the constant change of ideas, the ongoing environmental stimulation and mental progress. My authenticity is no-doubtedly questioned as my days change focus, unfortunately change ideals from time to time, and my time gets so easily wrapped up in myself.

Because what I find fascinating is so fascinating to me, I get completely absorbed in this little mini-world I call "my own personal earth". Satellites and moons - children and plants. Going from one to the other...all I can do is share.

I sing to Lucy - a recent favorite is called "Gumball". It is an impromptu spew of easy rhymes and rhythm, some consistent lines ground the ditty for her memory's sake. But today, this song went on for minutes and minutes. I sang, chin tilted up towards the ceiling as the ceiling fan's pull posed as a mic - my form was spears meets motherhood as I held core strong and swayed my 2 year old...my 28 pound mass of happiness.

Ellen and I picked out a dress, she looked through jewlery and admired little stones, stools, and staircases. Looking at that now, that time spent on a Saturday in a boutique...a quiet, calm, boutique. Coming from STBX and trying on dresses, sharing opinions and direction. I returned her fair nature by waiting patiently in the educational learning aisle at Target. After pacing through each aisle, I silently thanked God as she passed the most well-marketed toys. I offered her a puzzle, she accepted. Motherhood...my thesis for today is that it all comes down to creating wins. Think about it.

You can try to win a situation, a person over, a game. You can hope to win a jackpot. But what you can do most importantly, is predict an unexpected win for another based on what is within your means. If you do this for your children, they will feel blessed. Because this act comes from the heart and the mind, as a predilection of love, it will manifest in both hugs and Spongebob puzzles.

I saw God today...she looked pretty

Around 8:30 this evening, I was headed North on Hampton towards 40 from Chippewa. The girls were listening to track 13 on Good Girl Gone Bad (Disturbia) for the umpteenth time, pleasantly stuffed with strawberry marshmallows from their Aunt Emily's house. I thought maybe I should bring the day full circle and drive through Forest Park and honk goodnight to the penguins. That could ice the top of a cake day.

I thought about the cons - how could this possibly make one of my happy clams sad? My thoughts then went to the fact that we have been bouncing from track 13 to track 3 (Please Don't Stop the Music) since 8am this morning and I could just shoot down the highway, leave their jam time undisturbed (ia) and get them home exactly as they were right then. My decision? To stop thinking about it and odds were that I would naturally just drive where I knew I should drive when I got to Hampton and 40.

The decision to not decide was made as I crossed under 44 on Hampton, and from there I started thinking about the roads we took today and I was compelled to retrace my path. 8am out the door and on to Big Bend N to 40 W to I170 N to Olive W to STBX (insert smiley) South on Price to Clayton E to Big Bend to home - inside to grab the double stroller - Big Bend N to Clayton E to Skinker N then into the zoo - parked on the North Entrance - I could continue - I kind of want to, actually. But I will spare you.

It was as I was driving by the Steak N Shake on Hampton at 8:30pm that I recalled looping through their parking lot earlier around 1pm, it was a crap shoot whether or not Ellen was going to cooperate with me during our lunch so I claimed the SNS "too busy to go inside" and headed back onto Hampton, to Manchester - to our Maplewood SNS where our favorite waitress (Wendy) served us a perfectly three way split Chicken Dinner w/ ice waters all around. Simple - perfect - they were happy, they knew exactly where they were.

I want to apologize for that last paragraph - this blog is going to be long. I can tell.

I laugh to myself, now closing my eyes in order to actually say what is so important. My lesson - she (God) is there. So there, actually. If you were outside at all this morning, you probably felt her. If you were at the Zoo, you looked her square in the face left and right. It is of utmost importance to go to the Zoo w/ zero agenda and a timeline based primarily on intuition. If you allow an exuberant amount of patience to ground your Zoo visit, you will see God. You will see the wonder "It is awesome in here" expressions from your kids. You will make eye contact with a giraffe and tell her she is pretty, and mean it. And you will see a zebra....and know his name is Earl.

At one point Ellen said, "One donkey said 'I love you' and that other donkey said, "Who Cares?" Which I thought was pretty d*mn funny.

So as I crouched low to the ground with Ellen and Lucy, willing to sit there for as long as they wanted to, watching the Tigers, something fluttered up and to the left. I had a hat on so I had to cock my head upwards in an uncomfortable angle to see what had caught my attention. That is when I felt God's big fat hello. The colors - the earth, the rock, the birds, the sky, the clouds, the sunshine (the perfect sunshine) the green - I became so sensitive to God in this moment that I just knew something. I wish I could tell you what. From that moment forward, God made all of my decisions.

To even further elaborate (long blog), when retracing my path through Saint Louis, at each turning point - I saw something. I thought one thing, did another. I asked questions aloud and silently and got answers. I saw people - I knew exactly where I was going.

I was talking with a friend tonight about how people reach to God in extreme times of self-defeat or crisis, and sometimes miss the day to day communication with God. I think all too often people have summed God up to "miracles", "mystery", "judgement". But equally important to your daily reality, God is "knowing where you are going", even if simply to the grocery store, even if it is the feeling of confidence and not necessarily exact driving directions. Think of it this way: if God isn't "knowing where you are going" then you are probably going the wrong way.

If you read my blog about losing my sanity at the Zoo, know today my sanity was kept tightly in my pocket. The penguin house was our last stop and it was our last stop for a very greedy reason. (Seriously, Will, please stop buying them things every time you go through there) I zipped out of the Zoo and got to the parking lot where, with her small but mighty hands, Ellen braced herself in the stroller - refusing to get out and crying big tired salty hungry tears. I put Lucy in the car. I unpacked the stroller. I knew there was no room for my words. I stood in front of her as she mimicked the most insane of the asylum and looked at her with a lot of concern, no talking, no grimacing, just compassion.

Knowing my responsibility in the situation, I looked up, over the stroller and started to motion to an imaginary friend. I was playing charades with the sky - playing cards like "one minute" "I think she is hungry" "she needs to sleep" "I don't know what's wrong" "I love her too".

Ellen stops crying.

Ellen: "Who are you doing that to?"

I point up

Ellen: "Who are you doing that to??"

I continue to point and look up - (Oscar, please)

Ellen: "I want to see who you are doing that to."

I take her out of the stroller (Gold medal, please)

I swing her on my hip, hug her tightly and point up to the massive trees in between the Art Museum and the Zoo.

Ellen: "Who is it?"

Me: "Up there -see where the tree tops are moving - way up there?" I continue to point

Ellen: "I don't see her"

Now I feel a breeze starting to tumble down towards us and I get really excited and I say,
"You are about to feel it! It is a tree angel and you can feel her – like - in the wind"

Ellen: "I feel her"

I went on to whisper in her ear, describing what we were going to do when we got home. An afternoon candle light shower, movie on my bed with all the lights out, tie dye a shirt, and then dinner on "South Grand", a girls night. And it all happened. With even a spontaneous stop in Tower Grove Park after dinner...listening to Rhianna the whole time.

The way my house feels right now is blessed - lively, busy - wonderful. I am so thankful. Really thankful.

When is my next vacation?

I told my sister I went for a walk and ended up at my neighbor's house - to which she replied "sounds like a long walk".

"Thank God" is what I say because I needed that two hours of complete bs. Constantly moving, thinking, planning, talking is just pure exhausting. I have the day off on Friday and am starting it off with an 8 am meeting at STBX w/ UMSL COFAC. Why? Because I like being busy. But seriously! My brain is fried.

The point, so I can go to sleep, is that what has been consuming my mind at work: politics, movement, direction, intelligence - doesn't matter. It took two glasses of wine and some wisdom ten years older than I (and ten times the fabulous) to remind me that my opinions were my opinions, what mattered was my work - my focus - what I do for the company. She was telling me stories of her days working LA and London as a Sr. Account Exec in the Entertainment Industry, laying awake at night trying to remember if she got Robert Redford's approval on the final copy of the media or the 39th copy. And the "michigas" (I am sure I spelled this wrong - it means bs) of all the approvals, signatures, etc...

We all deal with it - but the point: be proud of what you accomplish and, for me, I need to make sure I don't mix my lofty writing dream world with my technical process real world right now, because - as stated earlier - it is kind of like my brain was put in a socket. There is laundry to be done, a novel to complete, and a Help Desk workspace to launch...all very different things - but all me.

Oh - and two more months till Wyclef is back.

and while i am on my soap box

let me also just say - to any of you who have EVER been told "the way you say that hurt me" or "why did you say it like that?" know this - communication is completely a two way street. if somebody shares with you their vulnerability by expressing emotional sentiment related to the way you spoke to them, you absolutely need to respect that, listen, and care for their feelings.

otherwise, you are a heart breaker.


and - no, for anybody nosey out there - this is not about will. it is just good advice.

a list turned lesson

* living at a fast pace
* honey mustard
* how i am going to organize my work tomorrow
* the name for my future blog
* a blog collaboration with my sister
* my brother
* my mom
* kindergarten
* sleeping
* fall television programming

i had to see the list to know what is wrong with me. usually, i blame these mood swings on being a cancer or on a bad hair day. and what i have realized in recent years (but forget the month after the realization) is that when i get restless, unorganized, chaotic in thought, distressed about the way things smell, etc...it happens at the change of seasons.

as an adult, it is your responsibilty to anchor yourself. be consistent about one thing or another. i am infamous for saying "ohhhh....i love the way opening a blank notebook made me feel this morning and writing while i drank tea and ate toast. from now on, i am going to eat toast, drink tea, and write every morning." then i stop doing it. but - i have learned that consistency for me is not doing said things every morning. consistency for me means having tea in my house whenever i want it or when guests are here....writing daily - regardless of topic or overall quality....and eating toast. i love toast.

so, if you are feeling restless and frustrated. if you are thinking that you blew it or that you lost your rhythm, pick something to be a pivot point. defining or redefining your identity is easy.it can be done. i used to be a total sh*thead. i once thought i would never again have a good friend or be trusted by anybody. i have moments of pure regret and don't feel i have merited any blessing or fortune. my life has changed - i have changed my life and i have let powers beyond me change my life. there are still friends from my past who don't believe it, or who are apprehensive - fair enough. but my heart is no longer at their mercy or subject to their approval.

what others think does not and should not be what drives you through each day.
take care of yourself. take care of others and that is all that matters.

that being said, i look at strangers as the easiest place to regain your personal strength. offer patience, sincerity, and rapport with every single person - talking to a kid who is staring at you and letting them know there are nice people in the world. these things, i firmly believe it, help you to trust yourself. know yourself. build relationships and connections and credibility. you just have to start somewhere and the minute you do, take me 6 - 7 years ago as an example, the minute you get serious about being a meaningful person to those around you, to realizing that a completely boring life is as much of a blessing as an edgy hipster tale, and to maximizing yourself in any given role - you are going to be happier. you'll probably sleep better too.

yes. i am talking to you.

conversation with abby - go ask your baby

on my cellphone...in Target...conversation picks up in the main aisle...humorous mood previously established...

me: "there is this video on tosh.o that is terrible. these little kids are bumping and grinding and it is the most ridiculous and disturbing thing..these little babies - i can't believe a parent, well - i don't know who taped it maybe a..."
abby: "the baby? you think the baby taped it?"
me: "...well, no - i don't think..."
abby: "no no no, officer, i didn't tape that - that was my baby. my baby taped it"
me: laughing
abby: "...my baby taped it then created a youtube account and posted the video on the internet."
me: laughing - "what? check the box if you are 18? ooohhhhhhh i thought it said check the box if you can roll over"
abby: laughing - "18 years? he thought it said 18 months."
me: laughing
abby: "man. oh my gosh, that baby is so stupid"
me: (to the cashier at target) "my sister thinks that disconnection notices should say 'hey buddy, you are about to go colonial'..."
abby: "who are you talking to?"
me: "to julie, the cashier at Target"
abby: "you won! you entered the secret code!"
me: "oh man - i just dropped my keys."
abby: "well, you know what they say, you win some - you drop some"
me: laughing "i need to get to my car and write down all these things"
abby: "no, you need to learn how to wire-tap your phone"
me: "you can do that? and record your phone conversations?"
abby: "i don't know - go ask your baby"

alone on a hill

Alone on a hill

My handwriting has sat

Waiting for my face to reflect

What I am and what I am not

Becomes my hand's best friend