at some point i became convinced that i knew my oldest daughter, ellen, in a previous life. i am not a convicted believer in reincarnation. i can hear my sister, abby, telling me to cut the shit right now - but i continue.
i think it was when ellen was around 2, just under, when i thought that, as a mother, i had to completely give up power to God. i could not possibly prevent all bad things from happening to her. i had to protect her, keep her alive, encourage her ultimate development - but i had to be okay relinquishing control to the only one true power. to that point, i felt very strongly the need to pull her through. and perhaps that is a general maternal instinct of mine, but a daydream had me convinced that we were once sisters or close friends before this lifetime.
tonight, we laid in her bed, talking about God and life. (a supporting reason of the above) and i referenced a recent conversation i had with abby. i drew my fingers over her face and talked about how each part of her was made in my body and then put my finger over her heart and brain and started talking about the "mystery message" God put on her that we get to figure out.
"what is a will?" she asked
i answered, "well, my will is for you to be a great student and a good friend..."
i think it was when ellen was around 2, just under, when i thought that, as a mother, i had to completely give up power to God. i could not possibly prevent all bad things from happening to her. i had to protect her, keep her alive, encourage her ultimate development - but i had to be okay relinquishing control to the only one true power. to that point, i felt very strongly the need to pull her through. and perhaps that is a general maternal instinct of mine, but a daydream had me convinced that we were once sisters or close friends before this lifetime.
tonight, we laid in her bed, talking about God and life. (a supporting reason of the above) and i referenced a recent conversation i had with abby. i drew my fingers over her face and talked about how each part of her was made in my body and then put my finger over her heart and brain and started talking about the "mystery message" God put on her that we get to figure out.
"what is a will?" she asked
i answered, "well, my will is for you to be a great student and a good friend..."
she nodded
"...and God's will...well, we will figure his specific will for you out through what interests you."
"how did you get so big so fast?" she asked me
thinking of my previously described hypothesis, i asked back, "what do you mean?"
"you are so big. you weren't always this big." she answered.
"true." i said
she continued, "in the hospital, how were you already so big?" she asked
i could cry thinking of the possibilities: in a previous life we were the same age, babies together - maybe a type of animal. maybe we survived trauma together, maybe we danced on stars -
"ellen," i reassured, "i am big because i am your mommy."
she snuggled up really really close to me and closed her eyes. she put her nose right up against my arm and wrapped any free limb around my body.
"i feel like you are swimming right now" she stated
"what kind of animal do i remind you of?" at this point i was curious about her truths
"a penguin" she confirmed
had i have been 5 tonight, i would have been exhilarated that of all animals, i reminded her of a favorite animal of mine.
"...and God's will...well, we will figure his specific will for you out through what interests you."
"how did you get so big so fast?" she asked me
thinking of my previously described hypothesis, i asked back, "what do you mean?"
"you are so big. you weren't always this big." she answered.
"true." i said
she continued, "in the hospital, how were you already so big?" she asked
i could cry thinking of the possibilities: in a previous life we were the same age, babies together - maybe a type of animal. maybe we survived trauma together, maybe we danced on stars -
"ellen," i reassured, "i am big because i am your mommy."
she snuggled up really really close to me and closed her eyes. she put her nose right up against my arm and wrapped any free limb around my body.
"i feel like you are swimming right now" she stated
"what kind of animal do i remind you of?" at this point i was curious about her truths
"a penguin" she confirmed
had i have been 5 tonight, i would have been exhilarated that of all animals, i reminded her of a favorite animal of mine.
which, coincidentally, is hers too.
beautiful!! Love those bedtime conversations. This is a reminder that I need to take the time to have those more often - instead of worrying how many hours of sleep they will get if they don't go to bed immediately.
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