where i am right now

I have officially confused the hell out of myself. That is for sure. To avoid the torment that is my waking brain, I have poured myself out over my children and useless errands. I can't even even accomplish some mundane household tasks that I can typically do with my eyes closed because thinking about my housework makes me think about my office, my papers, my stories, my desk, my computer, my old laptop, whether or not I should light a candle, where should I draw inspiration from, what would be interesting, what do I think is interesting - who do I think is interesting. ugh. I annoy myself.

Basically: this blog is shifting my identity and now I want to be serious about what I write and how I organize it. Typical me: Can't let an easy thing be easy.

To deal with my strife, I started a private blog on a different site. Referred to here as "the private logs", this blog has been created for me to talk like a writer, think like a writer, and challenge thoughts that I would rather not challenge in front of people I know. My dad thinks that means I am keeping things from you - I think, well, I think he is right.

The private logs were an event that coincided with the pick up of a character sketched on a beach back in 2004. I spent time this weekend going through my file...Starting with sh*t I wrote in kindergarten.... I read old prayers, random thoughts, fiction, essays, my college transcript. And as I spent time developing the boy on the beach, I also took thorough notes during my third viewing of Avatar (on the deeper story line...) aaaand I wrote a poem about my handwriting after finding a perfectly writtten essay in classic cursive from 1997. (Who was that person writing??) Trying to recreate that on a mission of self discovery was like digging through thick mud, looking for fudge. (Does it matter? Is it all the same? You know it is different, but how exactly? Would I really want to taste it and find out?)

I conclude that what is so distracting is that I need a name for this blog. Reality is, I write on this blog for people that know me and my family. People that I meet and interact with. This is my life and my perspective. I have a more professional side to exercise, but I don't think I really want it to be here. Capitalizing the beginning of each of my sentences is killing me.

My daughter says to write more about her, my mom says to let it all come together, my dad says keep it up and Will fell off the roof so I didn't bother him with this. :) and so I blog....