dear family and friends

This blog is written to share on FB, with people I actually know from "real life".

My wordpress blog (frozenspaghetti.wordpress.com) is for professional thoughts and otherwise. Pretty much undetermined, but seperate nonetheless.

One of the hardest parts about being me is the constant change of ideas, the ongoing environmental stimulation and mental progress. My authenticity is no-doubtedly questioned as my days change focus, unfortunately change ideals from time to time, and my time gets so easily wrapped up in myself.

Because what I find fascinating is so fascinating to me, I get completely absorbed in this little mini-world I call "my own personal earth". Satellites and moons - children and plants. Going from one to the other...all I can do is share.

I sing to Lucy - a recent favorite is called "Gumball". It is an impromptu spew of easy rhymes and rhythm, some consistent lines ground the ditty for her memory's sake. But today, this song went on for minutes and minutes. I sang, chin tilted up towards the ceiling as the ceiling fan's pull posed as a mic - my form was spears meets motherhood as I held core strong and swayed my 2 year old...my 28 pound mass of happiness.

Ellen and I picked out a dress, she looked through jewlery and admired little stones, stools, and staircases. Looking at that now, that time spent on a Saturday in a boutique...a quiet, calm, boutique. Coming from STBX and trying on dresses, sharing opinions and direction. I returned her fair nature by waiting patiently in the educational learning aisle at Target. After pacing through each aisle, I silently thanked God as she passed the most well-marketed toys. I offered her a puzzle, she accepted. Motherhood...my thesis for today is that it all comes down to creating wins. Think about it.

You can try to win a situation, a person over, a game. You can hope to win a jackpot. But what you can do most importantly, is predict an unexpected win for another based on what is within your means. If you do this for your children, they will feel blessed. Because this act comes from the heart and the mind, as a predilection of love, it will manifest in both hugs and Spongebob puzzles.

I saw God today...she looked pretty

Around 8:30 this evening, I was headed North on Hampton towards 40 from Chippewa. The girls were listening to track 13 on Good Girl Gone Bad (Disturbia) for the umpteenth time, pleasantly stuffed with strawberry marshmallows from their Aunt Emily's house. I thought maybe I should bring the day full circle and drive through Forest Park and honk goodnight to the penguins. That could ice the top of a cake day.

I thought about the cons - how could this possibly make one of my happy clams sad? My thoughts then went to the fact that we have been bouncing from track 13 to track 3 (Please Don't Stop the Music) since 8am this morning and I could just shoot down the highway, leave their jam time undisturbed (ia) and get them home exactly as they were right then. My decision? To stop thinking about it and odds were that I would naturally just drive where I knew I should drive when I got to Hampton and 40.

The decision to not decide was made as I crossed under 44 on Hampton, and from there I started thinking about the roads we took today and I was compelled to retrace my path. 8am out the door and on to Big Bend N to 40 W to I170 N to Olive W to STBX (insert smiley) South on Price to Clayton E to Big Bend to home - inside to grab the double stroller - Big Bend N to Clayton E to Skinker N then into the zoo - parked on the North Entrance - I could continue - I kind of want to, actually. But I will spare you.

It was as I was driving by the Steak N Shake on Hampton at 8:30pm that I recalled looping through their parking lot earlier around 1pm, it was a crap shoot whether or not Ellen was going to cooperate with me during our lunch so I claimed the SNS "too busy to go inside" and headed back onto Hampton, to Manchester - to our Maplewood SNS where our favorite waitress (Wendy) served us a perfectly three way split Chicken Dinner w/ ice waters all around. Simple - perfect - they were happy, they knew exactly where they were.

I want to apologize for that last paragraph - this blog is going to be long. I can tell.

I laugh to myself, now closing my eyes in order to actually say what is so important. My lesson - she (God) is there. So there, actually. If you were outside at all this morning, you probably felt her. If you were at the Zoo, you looked her square in the face left and right. It is of utmost importance to go to the Zoo w/ zero agenda and a timeline based primarily on intuition. If you allow an exuberant amount of patience to ground your Zoo visit, you will see God. You will see the wonder "It is awesome in here" expressions from your kids. You will make eye contact with a giraffe and tell her she is pretty, and mean it. And you will see a zebra....and know his name is Earl.

At one point Ellen said, "One donkey said 'I love you' and that other donkey said, "Who Cares?" Which I thought was pretty d*mn funny.

So as I crouched low to the ground with Ellen and Lucy, willing to sit there for as long as they wanted to, watching the Tigers, something fluttered up and to the left. I had a hat on so I had to cock my head upwards in an uncomfortable angle to see what had caught my attention. That is when I felt God's big fat hello. The colors - the earth, the rock, the birds, the sky, the clouds, the sunshine (the perfect sunshine) the green - I became so sensitive to God in this moment that I just knew something. I wish I could tell you what. From that moment forward, God made all of my decisions.

To even further elaborate (long blog), when retracing my path through Saint Louis, at each turning point - I saw something. I thought one thing, did another. I asked questions aloud and silently and got answers. I saw people - I knew exactly where I was going.

I was talking with a friend tonight about how people reach to God in extreme times of self-defeat or crisis, and sometimes miss the day to day communication with God. I think all too often people have summed God up to "miracles", "mystery", "judgement". But equally important to your daily reality, God is "knowing where you are going", even if simply to the grocery store, even if it is the feeling of confidence and not necessarily exact driving directions. Think of it this way: if God isn't "knowing where you are going" then you are probably going the wrong way.

If you read my blog about losing my sanity at the Zoo, know today my sanity was kept tightly in my pocket. The penguin house was our last stop and it was our last stop for a very greedy reason. (Seriously, Will, please stop buying them things every time you go through there) I zipped out of the Zoo and got to the parking lot where, with her small but mighty hands, Ellen braced herself in the stroller - refusing to get out and crying big tired salty hungry tears. I put Lucy in the car. I unpacked the stroller. I knew there was no room for my words. I stood in front of her as she mimicked the most insane of the asylum and looked at her with a lot of concern, no talking, no grimacing, just compassion.

Knowing my responsibility in the situation, I looked up, over the stroller and started to motion to an imaginary friend. I was playing charades with the sky - playing cards like "one minute" "I think she is hungry" "she needs to sleep" "I don't know what's wrong" "I love her too".

Ellen stops crying.

Ellen: "Who are you doing that to?"

I point up

Ellen: "Who are you doing that to??"

I continue to point and look up - (Oscar, please)

Ellen: "I want to see who you are doing that to."

I take her out of the stroller (Gold medal, please)

I swing her on my hip, hug her tightly and point up to the massive trees in between the Art Museum and the Zoo.

Ellen: "Who is it?"

Me: "Up there -see where the tree tops are moving - way up there?" I continue to point

Ellen: "I don't see her"

Now I feel a breeze starting to tumble down towards us and I get really excited and I say,
"You are about to feel it! It is a tree angel and you can feel her – like - in the wind"

Ellen: "I feel her"

I went on to whisper in her ear, describing what we were going to do when we got home. An afternoon candle light shower, movie on my bed with all the lights out, tie dye a shirt, and then dinner on "South Grand", a girls night. And it all happened. With even a spontaneous stop in Tower Grove Park after dinner...listening to Rhianna the whole time.

The way my house feels right now is blessed - lively, busy - wonderful. I am so thankful. Really thankful.

When is my next vacation?

I told my sister I went for a walk and ended up at my neighbor's house - to which she replied "sounds like a long walk".

"Thank God" is what I say because I needed that two hours of complete bs. Constantly moving, thinking, planning, talking is just pure exhausting. I have the day off on Friday and am starting it off with an 8 am meeting at STBX w/ UMSL COFAC. Why? Because I like being busy. But seriously! My brain is fried.

The point, so I can go to sleep, is that what has been consuming my mind at work: politics, movement, direction, intelligence - doesn't matter. It took two glasses of wine and some wisdom ten years older than I (and ten times the fabulous) to remind me that my opinions were my opinions, what mattered was my work - my focus - what I do for the company. She was telling me stories of her days working LA and London as a Sr. Account Exec in the Entertainment Industry, laying awake at night trying to remember if she got Robert Redford's approval on the final copy of the media or the 39th copy. And the "michigas" (I am sure I spelled this wrong - it means bs) of all the approvals, signatures, etc...

We all deal with it - but the point: be proud of what you accomplish and, for me, I need to make sure I don't mix my lofty writing dream world with my technical process real world right now, because - as stated earlier - it is kind of like my brain was put in a socket. There is laundry to be done, a novel to complete, and a Help Desk workspace to launch...all very different things - but all me.

Oh - and two more months till Wyclef is back.

and while i am on my soap box

let me also just say - to any of you who have EVER been told "the way you say that hurt me" or "why did you say it like that?" know this - communication is completely a two way street. if somebody shares with you their vulnerability by expressing emotional sentiment related to the way you spoke to them, you absolutely need to respect that, listen, and care for their feelings.

otherwise, you are a heart breaker.


and - no, for anybody nosey out there - this is not about will. it is just good advice.

a list turned lesson

* living at a fast pace
* honey mustard
* how i am going to organize my work tomorrow
* the name for my future blog
* a blog collaboration with my sister
* my brother
* my mom
* kindergarten
* sleeping
* fall television programming

i had to see the list to know what is wrong with me. usually, i blame these mood swings on being a cancer or on a bad hair day. and what i have realized in recent years (but forget the month after the realization) is that when i get restless, unorganized, chaotic in thought, distressed about the way things smell, etc...it happens at the change of seasons.

as an adult, it is your responsibilty to anchor yourself. be consistent about one thing or another. i am infamous for saying "ohhhh....i love the way opening a blank notebook made me feel this morning and writing while i drank tea and ate toast. from now on, i am going to eat toast, drink tea, and write every morning." then i stop doing it. but - i have learned that consistency for me is not doing said things every morning. consistency for me means having tea in my house whenever i want it or when guests are here....writing daily - regardless of topic or overall quality....and eating toast. i love toast.

so, if you are feeling restless and frustrated. if you are thinking that you blew it or that you lost your rhythm, pick something to be a pivot point. defining or redefining your identity is easy.it can be done. i used to be a total sh*thead. i once thought i would never again have a good friend or be trusted by anybody. i have moments of pure regret and don't feel i have merited any blessing or fortune. my life has changed - i have changed my life and i have let powers beyond me change my life. there are still friends from my past who don't believe it, or who are apprehensive - fair enough. but my heart is no longer at their mercy or subject to their approval.

what others think does not and should not be what drives you through each day.
take care of yourself. take care of others and that is all that matters.

that being said, i look at strangers as the easiest place to regain your personal strength. offer patience, sincerity, and rapport with every single person - talking to a kid who is staring at you and letting them know there are nice people in the world. these things, i firmly believe it, help you to trust yourself. know yourself. build relationships and connections and credibility. you just have to start somewhere and the minute you do, take me 6 - 7 years ago as an example, the minute you get serious about being a meaningful person to those around you, to realizing that a completely boring life is as much of a blessing as an edgy hipster tale, and to maximizing yourself in any given role - you are going to be happier. you'll probably sleep better too.

yes. i am talking to you.

conversation with abby - go ask your baby

on my cellphone...in Target...conversation picks up in the main aisle...humorous mood previously established...

me: "there is this video on tosh.o that is terrible. these little kids are bumping and grinding and it is the most ridiculous and disturbing thing..these little babies - i can't believe a parent, well - i don't know who taped it maybe a..."
abby: "the baby? you think the baby taped it?"
me: "...well, no - i don't think..."
abby: "no no no, officer, i didn't tape that - that was my baby. my baby taped it"
me: laughing
abby: "...my baby taped it then created a youtube account and posted the video on the internet."
me: laughing - "what? check the box if you are 18? ooohhhhhhh i thought it said check the box if you can roll over"
abby: laughing - "18 years? he thought it said 18 months."
me: laughing
abby: "man. oh my gosh, that baby is so stupid"
me: (to the cashier at target) "my sister thinks that disconnection notices should say 'hey buddy, you are about to go colonial'..."
abby: "who are you talking to?"
me: "to julie, the cashier at Target"
abby: "you won! you entered the secret code!"
me: "oh man - i just dropped my keys."
abby: "well, you know what they say, you win some - you drop some"
me: laughing "i need to get to my car and write down all these things"
abby: "no, you need to learn how to wire-tap your phone"
me: "you can do that? and record your phone conversations?"
abby: "i don't know - go ask your baby"

alone on a hill

Alone on a hill

My handwriting has sat

Waiting for my face to reflect

What I am and what I am not

Becomes my hand's best friend

where i am right now

I have officially confused the hell out of myself. That is for sure. To avoid the torment that is my waking brain, I have poured myself out over my children and useless errands. I can't even even accomplish some mundane household tasks that I can typically do with my eyes closed because thinking about my housework makes me think about my office, my papers, my stories, my desk, my computer, my old laptop, whether or not I should light a candle, where should I draw inspiration from, what would be interesting, what do I think is interesting - who do I think is interesting. ugh. I annoy myself.

Basically: this blog is shifting my identity and now I want to be serious about what I write and how I organize it. Typical me: Can't let an easy thing be easy.

To deal with my strife, I started a private blog on a different site. Referred to here as "the private logs", this blog has been created for me to talk like a writer, think like a writer, and challenge thoughts that I would rather not challenge in front of people I know. My dad thinks that means I am keeping things from you - I think, well, I think he is right.

The private logs were an event that coincided with the pick up of a character sketched on a beach back in 2004. I spent time this weekend going through my file...Starting with sh*t I wrote in kindergarten.... I read old prayers, random thoughts, fiction, essays, my college transcript. And as I spent time developing the boy on the beach, I also took thorough notes during my third viewing of Avatar (on the deeper story line...) aaaand I wrote a poem about my handwriting after finding a perfectly writtten essay in classic cursive from 1997. (Who was that person writing??) Trying to recreate that on a mission of self discovery was like digging through thick mud, looking for fudge. (Does it matter? Is it all the same? You know it is different, but how exactly? Would I really want to taste it and find out?)

I conclude that what is so distracting is that I need a name for this blog. Reality is, I write on this blog for people that know me and my family. People that I meet and interact with. This is my life and my perspective. I have a more professional side to exercise, but I don't think I really want it to be here. Capitalizing the beginning of each of my sentences is killing me.

My daughter says to write more about her, my mom says to let it all come together, my dad says keep it up and Will fell off the roof so I didn't bother him with this. :) and so I blog....

conversation with will - picture for work

me: "See this picture I framed for my office?"
will: "oh - is that for your office?"
me: "Yea - I think you look sexy in it."
will: "oh - honey, thanks."
me: "Yea...it's nice that it doesn't make any sound" (about the framed picture)

an awful lot of thinking - an official notice

working on trying to understand this bible story about a man and a donkey - there are a lot of stories that incorporate these two characters and at this time i am not elaborating.

however i am working on a theme - working hard on a theme - and allow me to try once:

there is one hand and there is another. on one hand, you have control - you have perspective, you exercise it and you trust yourself. the other hand is more about risk, challenges, and opposition. however they form in your life, they are there.

the idea is that you can choose which hand to play. it isn't a guess. it isn't instinctive knowing of when to hold (or when to fold) them. it is about knowing that you are choosing every single day and living with that result, that purpose.

i describe myself as ice cream. i wake up each morning and i am like a bowl of fresh out of the freezer ice cream. i allow my brain to melt, scrape the outer layer off - digest, understand, enjoy. scrape another layer off - enjoy, understand, digest. and so on until i get to my core - to my purpose - to the ultimate reason i am satisfied. to the the reason i exist.

sometimes i look at my physical body and i feel pure joy that i am a human. i say to my friend, "do you ever just look at your body and say - how cool is this? i am a human being"
friend: "as opposed to...??"
me: "a turtle? anything - we get to be humans. live in this body..."

looking back on this conversation i think that maybe watching Avatar again is not such a good idea.

need to be mindful, need to be aware. need to be appreciative for talents and blessings. take credit for all of your decisions. responsibility if not as fortunate in this given point in time that this credit is due.

i am thankful. i praise God for the people in my life. i am thankful for phone calls and silence. pasta and pictures. what else...maybe fall and the smell of the air when it turns to a black licorice aroma mixed with football and leaves. ahhhh....tradition and meaning. the boys - ha. to the teenage girls out there who read this. be careful of the boys. they can be distracting....

and with that - to all and each and every one in this world - good night and good morrow.

peter paul and mary

peter robbed a store
paul said i'm sorry
mary ran away became a nun
peter got arrested
paul said i'm sorry
mary prayed to fire off a gun
peter met his mother
paul said i'm sorry
mary went to meet her son named peter
peter kissed his mother
paul said i'm sorry
mary wept to play a piece of ivory

name's a place your rhyme's a race
fix time your space and memory
past is now regret is how
we all love living seperat'ly

find your work and pay your dues
treat your people nicely
listen hold a hand your told
do what mill do mold to

flip a coin and chain your tense
see somehow it makes sense.

i almost didn't write tonight

because i thought i was doing it for you. for people. for approval. funny - it was like i was 5 again.

really - i was pushed over the social media edge today during a quick stint in foursquare. apparently my work is on there and i could be the mayor. i can't decide whether that would be mildly rewarding in a comical way or devastating.

the nice thing about foursquare is that it could have some serious tracking benefits - but people get worked up about that so i will just continue. additionally: i don't want to think about foursquare.

nor do i want to talk about animals being more intelligent than we have realized. (Time August 16, 2010) truth is, whether or not i have outwardly admitted it: i have always thought animals were smart - way smart - maybe even too smart. so. yea.

the things i do are meaningless, the amount of talking i do is sickening, but the love i have for all of it is even more profound than all of those heart wrenching feelings i lay out. puzzles - today, i felt like i was mentally moving around one of those square puzzle games where all the pieces fit within one bigger square. it was amazing.

needs are another interesting concept - and how they roll together from one thought to the next. what do i need to be doing? what do i need to know? how do you need me? how do i need you?

there are some things that as a human, you just so simply need. as an individual, you may want - but that is not really the point. things you need in the way you want them: that would change consumerism. that would get everybody a step forward and out of the pizza mania and guzzards. not really sure what that was supposed to mean but somebody will appreciate it.

so i sigh. and praise the Lord that it is just after 10 and i have had as much quiet time as i have had to digest. Chinese food is a coma for the brain, a love song for the heart. That actually might have been my fortune. Good news for my writing technique, i am putting sentences together faster and (looking over this) I am starting to capitalize more. Notably, it was nice to have written scribbled out brain notes on a notebook page. Lyrics and poetry, however - are a far distance from where I write today. TO be continued...

on Enterprise.

i am asked from time to time why i am not spending my time "doing something more creative" as a profession.

i challenge that because a creative person is always creative - even in moments of low inspiration; when ideas are blocked. seriously blocked. (these are the times when us creative types make very interesting sandwiches or get lost somewhere.)

my job and my company give me a platform to do good for the better interests of humanity. being fair, being professional, being honest. these are all values that everybody should exercise and they are values that i have not always inherently known. if you are like most people, you understand that things like this can take practice - time to make sincere.

i question why i am writing tonight about Enterprise and i suppose it is because i took work home, i sprawled it all over the kitchen counters while the girls ate macaroni and cheese and i spent a good quality hour on my patio with grasshoppers keeping me company. oh man. i just realized the significance of that grasshopper that was sitting on my page.

i can only hope that there are others in my organization that are committed to taking care of people as much as i am. i certainly pray for the economy and for good business and growth. i am absolutely confident that God's will is at work and so i am okay with the rental car and customer service concepts visiting my home tonight.

i retire now confident in tomorrow's plan and in my work.

"Dead Vote" (A Convo w/ My Parents)

on a screened in porch, mom in a wicker chair with large cushions and dad to her right, on a wooden chair. me across the room with my back to the yard.

me: "hey - dad, how is your mom?"
dad: "alive."
mom: heartfelt humor laugh, its kind of a chest snort with a smile and a gulp
dad: "volunteering in every way she can. registering senior citizens to vote."
me: (seriously confirms) "well, you got to get the dead vote."
mom: uncontrollable laughter

for the mothers and the daughters

at some point i became convinced that i knew my oldest daughter, ellen, in a previous life. i am not a convicted believer in reincarnation. i can hear my sister, abby, telling me to cut the shit right now - but i continue.

i think it was when ellen was around 2, just under, when i thought that, as a mother, i had to completely give up power to God. i could not possibly prevent all bad things from happening to her. i had to protect her, keep her alive, encourage her ultimate development - but i had to be okay relinquishing control to the only one true power. to that point, i felt very strongly the need to pull her through. and perhaps that is a general maternal instinct of mine, but a daydream had me convinced that we were once sisters or close friends before this lifetime.

tonight, we laid in her bed, talking about God and life. (a supporting reason of the above) and i referenced a recent conversation i had with abby. i drew my fingers over her face and talked about how each part of her was made in my body and then put my finger over her heart and brain and started talking about the "mystery message" God put on her that we get to figure out.

"what is a will?" she asked
i answered, "well, my will is for you to be a great student and a good friend..."

she nodded
"...and God's will...well, we will figure his specific will for you out through what interests you."
"how did you get so big so fast?" she asked me

thinking of my previously described hypothesis, i asked back, "what do you mean?"
"you are so big. you weren't always this big." she answered.
"true." i said

she continued, "in the hospital, how were you already so big?" she asked

i could cry thinking of the possibilities: in a previous life we were the same age, babies together - maybe a type of animal. maybe we survived trauma together, maybe we danced on stars -

"ellen," i reassured, "i am big because i am your mommy."

she snuggled up really really close to me and closed her eyes. she put her nose right up against my arm and wrapped any free limb around my body.

"i feel like you are swimming right now" she stated
"what kind of animal do i remind you of?" at this point i was curious about her truths
"a penguin" she confirmed

had i have been 5 tonight, i would have been exhilarated that of all animals, i reminded her of a favorite animal of mine.

which, coincidentally, is hers too.

my day feels full already - did the V8 do that?

it is only 10:21 on a saturday morning and i already have many influences happening on my day - a loud woman yelling about hot dog buns, her anger pouring out of her orange prius while a dragonfly flew unnerved towards my car from hers.

i was leaving the grocery store where, though the clerk didn't have my moleskine, she handled my inquiry with the most decent amount of hope and kindness. i was blessed by a man in the frozen veggie aisle, which i took as a well wish as i prepared for my day ahead. if you don't think that you sneeze in public for a reason, you may want to consider the spiritual empowerment with understanding the possibility of sharing or receiving a blessing to or from a complete stranger.

anyway - will woke up grouchy this morning. he said it was because he was tired "from staying up to wait for the power to come back on." i see this as an intolerable excuse and am allowing my sunny side up egg he just made me to be symbolic of my disposition that he contributes to - here is the conversation that took place:

"you want eggs babe?" he asks
"yes, sunny side up please." i respond.
"really? sunny side up? you are such a..." he pauses...
"sunny side up egg eater?" i finish his sentence in the only right way.
"you know what?" he continues playfully, "i don't need it."
i finish washing up my blueberries and finish, "babe, i don't need half the shit you give me."

:) true love. and on to the 11 o'clock hour of my morning where we will be playing at tower grove park with a most certainly cool family.

a week of what the weekend is made for

again. uninspired.

am i uninspired or normal

a - i don't know why i have never done this before, but i just ate a big fat bowl of special k, with my 2 year old's whole milk, with a handful of juicy - been in a bag all day - strawberries and raspberries for dinner. i had a glass of wine with it - it was perfect.

b - i have nothing i want to write about. i have a funny story about my daughter. i learned some things about myself at work today. i learned about a new kind of tea - monkey picked oolong. which, i bought as a gift to one who taught me something. i asked the tea whiz for a tea that embodied "success, intelligence, and relaxation" and i was sold on monkey picked oolong. apparently, monks train monkeys to climb these tea trees and pick the leaves for this spectacular tea. i found it fitting to the scenario for which i was grateful...

c. still no sign of the moleskine. the heart ache continues - though still hopeful, i also have begun the healing process by convincing myself why i wouldn't need it.

d. maybe its at the grocery store. hey, the last time i was there i was a little preoccupied preparing my kindergartener for armaggedon. disaster recovery bags are serious business - my daughter has a 10 lb bag of bottled water, bagel crisps, freeze dried apples and pears (aka: astronaut food), beef jerky, suckers, a packet of hot chocolate and ramen noodles. if anything, it will be good college prep. with the exception that bagel crisps and fruit will be replaced with beer and fraternities. (sorry will, it is bound to happen.)

so all in all, i have nothing interesting to say. i have advice to give: talk less

a haiku for kristi

tea spilled desk a mess i clean
dry a vase and notebook down
and there i see her



my morning began with earl grey pooled over my desktop, around my portfolio - my vase, a gift from kristi, sat amidst my caffeinated flood. an entrance into my consciousness and so continued the rest of my day, with emails from 2006 popping up, conversations between me and her about work, managing, and productivity. reminders to be positive, reinforce good, and stay an advocate for people.

90 minute enforcement- conversation with chaz

i am going to be rude and eat while i blog - type - remember things i did today. remember, i do not promise this be anything but writing. with that, i regret all disappointment and sighs. i am eating, if you are wondering, a piece of whole wheat bread w/ honey folded over sliced grape tomatoes, 2 slices of rotisserie turkey, a light layer of English Mustard, drizzle of olive oil and a ripped in half square of colby jack cheese. it is delicious. accompanied by a small glass of vitamin d milk, it makes my dinner. (if you didn't know - you are supposed to store tomatoes at room temperature, please adjust any storage techniques as necessary to enjoy them more)

i had an adult moment this evening, talking to my sister emily on my way home from a movie. i saw eat pray love w/ my friend pierson menkhus - some sort of review to come later. my adult moment, though, was rooted in the thought - the mission - of giving my child an education. in doing so, giving security, love, and support. but more importantly (in specific regards to education, though what i listed is overall important in life) i am responsible for encouraging accountability, leadership, friendship, and trust. mr. bohandsome (the schoolyard nickname for my husband) is responsible for teaching his strengths: mindfulness in order, systems and routines...

when i got in my car after the movie, i noticed a ticket on my windshield. the ticket was written due to a "90 minute enforcement" with a time stamp 7:13...i arrived at the theatre no earlier than 6:30. though i am sure i can balance out logic enough to fight it - or get a lawyer - the fee is $10 and truth is that i owe them for parking as i ultimately did exceed 90 minutes in that spot. this i credit for the gift of my adult moment that came minutes later.

now i am home, with a crumbless napkin and a quarter glass of milk which i am saving to eat with my banana and slice of cherry pie. i wonder how the world will keep me on my toes tomorrow and i pray to understand my dreams as well as a recent nightmare. my focus on parenting is renewed by the gentle reminders of holding a newborn - knowing that, conceptually, the direction you show a 5 year old should be similar to nursing a newborn's health: staring them in the eye, expressing love through every single part of you and reassuring their sweet little hearts that everything is okay because they are warm and belonging to your heart.

and on that heart filled note of peacefulness, i leave you with the most recent human conversation i had today titled: "Don't Even Sweat It"

"thanks again for getting crickets" i say to chaz, will's brother.
"don't even sweat it. it's no big deal" he replies
"i appreciated not having to deal with traffic" i add
"it was cool - i got to see him eat them" says chaz...and he continues
"if it is okay, i would like to buy a bigger cage for her for christmas" says uncle chaz
"it is worth talking about" i say
"yea i was thinking it would be cool with a bigger cage" says uncle chaz
"oh - like a toad town" i agree (i can picture this: a little pond, a plastic palm tree among other foliage, a small miniture cricket house for them to take refuge rather than fend for themselves among the chaos of pending doom)
"and i didn't realize how big the toad was, he will need a bigger cage eventually" says uncle chaz
"so...you're really thinking about the toad, not my daughter" i jest
"oh come on. that's not fair" he tags
...and then i kicked him out of my house.

and i thought of a new rule: will and i need to approve gifts from here on out. genius, chaz.

i am gettting closer

the point of doing this is obvious - the point is to get stronger, more focused, and - in turn - more unique. i am paying much more serious attention to what this sense of humor is capable of - helping or hurting. having a silver tongue is not all it is cracked out to be, taming the quip is much more satisfying.

blogging as a commitment to a craft (in said case, "writing") is clearly a panel of moods and attempts. i am going to see myself at my absolute worst and i am going to become exactly that much better. the universe is going to greet me with the relentless intrique to stray and i am going to do what is right. i will walk back in the store and pay for my coho salmon that hides beneath the open notebook resting in the shopping cart.

it is inevitable that i will need to make a decision on a title for this blog. i see my need for support and i nod in request. this is my blog about finding something - this is my blog.

if you are @ the zoo, please look for my sanity (i think it might be by the bears)

today could easily be called a disappointment. it started so right - i was effortlessly productive and smiling with the girls. and then it all just melted away - do I blame the sun for that? can my ideal day be destroyed just like a bomb pop? i think of this and wonder where I have to pull myself up. where is the string - if there was one on each part of my physical being that keeps my spirit lifted, where is the string that needs to be retied? i feel it in my heart, a desire to be free from managing. i feel the most in control when i am wandering around with no goal.

ah, yes, and so would be my problem: i was on a budget AND a timeline today.

and amongst the shrieks of a broken hearted 5 year old (love torn over a positioned for impulse buy yo yo), i let my own self pity and sleep deprivation convince myself for a minute that it was over. that the picture of newborn ellen on my fridge was a long lost memory and now i had this new creature - this mean, uncontrollable little girl who didn't understand love.

really, erin? get serious.

this delusion ended with lunch. i made lunch. i let the sobbing continue upstairs while i cooked - bacon, shrimp, pasta, alfredo sauce, peas - and then fed my over heated under eated children. i watched them devour food and reminded myself of something i said over the weekend when the 2 year old had heart break over a $0.25 ride. i said, "when they cry this hard it isn't because of the ride or whatever trigger happened. it is for a necessity: food, comfort, sleep, water". and i took lucy to the cool restroom, slowly wiped her down with water, changed her into a dry pamper, showed her what happy looked like in the mirror and we were fine.

so this frustration i am acknowledging that arises within me when i am awe struck by the persistance demonstrated in material desire or demands, i have to remind myself that that is human nature. that is the pain we all deal with. that is exactly what i have to learn to understand and guide. yo yos should not cause self destruction. parenting means saving your child's life day in and day out by offering a balance of thought and consideration along with sponteneity and impulse.

so i am feeling better about that. now on to helping myself deal with learning that i spelled cicada wrong in a previous post....

(my solution was to delete the poem where the word was written as it was an unfinished work anyway. i claim to be a poet and i wouldn't want that to rubbish up my claim.)

reset my self (space intended)

Resetting was an important step today. I have struggled the past week understanding my perspective, approach - strengths and weaknesses. Namely in regards to trying to name my blog.
I ended 8 days of struggle with this set of ideals. relaxation - meditation - physical strength & wisdom - and the fruits to focus on: (in order of personal understanding) peace, joy, love, gentleness.
I stretched and took deep breaths. I soaked and cleaned my face with a warm cloth. I meditated on centering my body over the a pen laid straight in the middle of an open notebook and on my steeping earl grey white (its bergamot is good for the mood).
I worked on lengthening and strengthening my arms and legs – I started 2 chronicles and thought about what my picture of greatness is – And I focused on the order of my home, the laughter in my heart, the support I demonstrate to the ones I love, and the care I show towards my children, my anger, and my body.

If you are wondering why I listed anger above, please go to a book store immediately and look up Thicht Naht Hahn.

I could go different ways with this article. This, I suppose, is the root of my trouble. Where do I go with this? How do I want to present what is on my mind? Do I define what I write about now or do I answer that in time? Is it the detail of my life that gives me exercise or the specific verse read that brought me to my knees in humble understanding? Is it more about the past and healing or about the future and progress? What is it exactly that I am doing when I type? Talking directly to somebody or to myself? If it is somebody, am I talking to God or a friend or a stranger - or it is really all the same?
decision made: same
observation made: all three
And I also suppose it is really about the past and the future and how the present is affecting me, a woman of many moods. Like moons to Jupiter, i wax and wane. Poetic by default, if I could speak entirely in abstract mobile words, you would see my violin dancing with plaid pants. Did you get that? If so, you are invited to my birthday party because you must know me well.
I will end this evening with the smell of baby lotion on my hands and a clean white cotton sweatshirt keeping me warm. Laying in my bed, I will pray and think about the people I have heard, hurt, and helped. I will most certainly be focused on tomorrow and checking off all that I want it to be (for joy). Most of these tasks will bring peace and show love - carried out w/ gentleness; I will have allowed God to work through me.

In sincerity’s interest, I avoid the obvious humor in my observations tonight. In my heart, I understand how to stay straight when debating myself because I cannot debate the truth, and the truth is what makes me whole. What I love makes me whole. And so I blog.

conversation with will - have you seen my sandals?

will: "oh honey, here are your sandals...i knew i saw them somewhere."
me: (after a "hmmm" sigh) "i knew i put them somewhere weird."
will: subtle laugh
me: (sigh again) "that's depressing"
will: (reassuringly) "ah well, whaddya gonna do"
me: "um. not put my shoes on a bookshelf"


sandals. on a book shelf. in the living room. no.

mind control vs. brain control (contemplating impulse)

alright - i always want to start with "this will be quick". i recognize that is only to get you to keep reading. this one i actually intend on being quick.

was talking about self control tonight. this has probably been the most life-changing request (more, please, Almighty one) i have ever made. when evaluating impulse, consumption, desire - where is your mind and your heart in all that? is the impulse to smoke or shove doritos in your face the same as the intuitive demand to cross the street for some unknown reason only to find one block later a very clear sign as to why your mind said to do so? my answer is no. they are different.

i am not a guru or spiritual master, but i wld like to share what worked for me to gain self control over my vices, allowing clearer messages / positive direction. it was not simply meditating on discipline and awareness or telling myself what i had to stop. i gave my mind exercise. i ended prayers with lists of little things to do. things like "sleep, breathe, drink water, file nails" - things that made my body feel good - things that made ME feel good.

once your body realizes that your mind being in control makes you feel good, your impulses will shift towards those that support that reward. mind, body and soul working in union to fufill daily potential for happiness. now ain't that sweet?

enjoy the picture of dinner tonight. it makes me happy so it might do the same for you.

Talking Sh*t & Pretending to Be Friends

Real quick: I want to start w/ my dream last night. In a pink Euro-esque cookie store, I bought homemade chocolate chip cookies from Santa and they were delicious.

From there I progress:

The Cardinals. The work story. The word "vulnerability".

When you "talk sh*t" about another person's team, make an impulse decision to get things moving, or when you publicly pronounce your profession (one that requires viewership), you make yourself vulnerable. Each person is in someway vulnerable - open to things like feedback on your work or getting kicked with metal spikes.

Vulnerability isn't for the mild, it can also apply to "a**holes" (as my husband referred) who pretend to be friends after talking "a bunch of sh*t". Brandon Phillips made himself completely vulnerable to Yadier's mouth and emotion. And every word spoken from that point forward made the speaker vulnerable to more aggression. So cheesy, people - but I have to incorporate baseball so Will reads this.

Knowing that I had a situation to deal with at work today, I prepared myself mentally on my drive in: starting with completely dressing in my element**, I pictured myself standing up straight and accepting responsibility if any criticism came my way. My general decision on speaking? Open my mouth only to talk about the direction I was headed rather than dwell on where I was a day ago.

I took notes on my husband's reaction to what the players were saying during the post-game interview. There is definitely a lesson learned here: how you talk about events in their aftermath is critical to how you are perceived. In a world where perception is most commonly referred to as "what others see and therefore think", I sense it equally defined as "what others hear and therefore think".

Take responsibility and be professional. According to my favorite dream dictionary, eating chocolate chip cookies that you buy from Santa notes that I am reflecting on good things and bad things I have done and that I need to be forgiving and not let minor disputes annoy me. So, Cardinals, I pass along my dream meaning to you as advice for tomorrow. And if you want some cookies, let me know.

** element = professional + comfort + pearls (my birthstone)

The Games We Play

This is going to be quick as Will is in the other room deciding what to watch on the television. (I am not in the mood for a full length feature.)

I am going to confess something here that is going to essentially be a request for a big dose of organic manure (as the swedish say) from Will. I asked him to "fix the sprinkler" tonight when really I did not feel like going back outside to figure out why it was only working at a low pressure / low radius level. He says "Honey, did you break it?"

Advice: There ARE times when you do want to answer a yes or no question with exactly one of those two options. Times that come to mind are when the answer is "of course not, you idiot...." or a lengthy explaination when the explaination serves no purpose.

I say "Yes." - Why would I admit guilt for no reason? Simplicity, folks. Simplicity. He says, "Oh honey, why did you do that?" I say, "To mess with you." No controversy, just good clean humor where nobody got hurt and I didn't have to go back outside.

This is a light hearted option to a realization that could help a lot of relationships out there: Play along with your original expectation and give a lot of love to history recognized. Not just with relationships, consider any expectation that you have right now that brings you even the littlest bit of grief. Are you expecting it to be something drastically different than what you expected it to be at it's roots? That would be like getting mad at an apple tree for not giving you an orange. When, in fact, you should only be mad at an apple tree if it gives you a rotten apple as that would never have been your expectation.

Cauliflower and Sharks

My original intent was to draft an essay with the following thesis: Successfully preparing a meal is due equally to God’s inspiration and work as it is your diligence and attention.

This all came from a dinner conversation where my husband was explaining to my daughter that a scientist combined broccoli and brussel sprouts (both veggies that she likes) and came up with cauliflower. I had made a dish from Jamie Oliver's "Food Revolution" - bread crumbs made from rosemary, bacon, bread and olive oil - a casserole base from sour cream, cheese, and cauliflower that was quite good and Will (the husband) was encourging her to try it.

In this discussion, he asked Ellen if she wanted to guess who the scientist was - enter my guess, "God?". Details aside, Will asked if it was my ability to cook or God that made dinner tonight to which I absolutely replied "God."

The idea really is that the creation of the food, the attention I pay towards cooking, and the warmth of my kitchen are all rooted in God's grace. Moreover, and I smile now thinking of this, when I was making the casserole, I taught Ellen that no recipe is complete without adding love. I asked her if she knew how to add love and then explained that you do so by praying over your food that all that eat it feel loved and love in return. So really - Will posing this question an hour later is quite comical.

So my post meal mind is set on researching: the history of cauliflower and the spiritual element to believing that it is the self that succeeds and not the collaboration of human will and divine guidance. What this does is prompt phone calls and google searches that lead me to: a lead towards a personal goal to read (Dorothy Parker), a new song to get my blood going / replace the song I currently listen to & think of my sister (Shark in the Water), and the start of my Facebook thesis (coming from a #convow/ab)

Welcome: the now completely reinforced notion that God is behind everything. (And I mean everything, because these items I came across tonight really mean something to me.)

So do I need to research cauliflower anymore than I have already? No - and thank God, because cauliflower is really boring. There is not anything out there other than the family it is from (Brassicaceae), how to grow it (it's tricky), and recipes (I recommend buying Jamie's recent book). I will definitely be looking more into cultivating my spiritual position on this topic as I find it important for us humans to be aware that as, yes, we have "our own" mind to use we also require the awareness and discipline to use it well. Exercising both is critical to our relationships and the development to a full self.

Why I am blogging

A writer from birth, I naturally will respond to the question, "are you a writer?" with "yes". Seems obvious enough to me. However, I have discovered in my adult life that this conversation typically continues with "What do you write?" Which I can't technically answer.

I write poetry, prayers, essays, and dream up fiction. Fiction however requires dedication beyond my minutes and patience beyond what I believe I currently carry. I can write this list now - with confidence - however, in those times of discussion, rarely can I spit it out. The reason? Because sometimes I am a poet. Others I am a novelist. Others I am a researcher... leaving only my interest of the human condition as the common denominator.

To this same point, more often than I am asked these questions, I am encourage by people who read what I write "to write". This makes me smile not only because of my piles of notebooks that derrange my husband's mind that prove - well, duh - of course I write. But it also makes me smile because even though I don't totally know my own voice, others hear it loud and clear.

So I am going to try - oh my dear Lord am I going to try - to commit to writing. This will be a nuisance to some people in my life as I beg "please read this". But it will also serve to inspire because that is all I pray my writing will do. God has granted me more than a gift, He has given me the understanding that I need not worry what may come of this - pleased by aesthetics, I need not dwell on the current display of my blog. What I have realized is that I need to just write - and write - and write. And so welcome to my blog.